Schizophrenic Messiah by Michael Spears

Author:Michael Spears [Spears, Michael]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: religion, jesus, messiah, schizophrenia, relativity, genius, messiah complex
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

And his ghost may be heard as you pass by the billabong,

You’ll come a waltzing matilda with me.

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Chapter 5

“It’s no use to reason with me now, I must die.

Since I have done ‘Eureka’ I can achieve nothing more.”

(Edgar Allan Poe)

All there was to do in the psyche ward was smoke cigarettes, and because I didn’t have to pay for food or accommodation, I was the cigarette man. I had two kinds of rollies, packs of tailors, and small and large cigars to choose from. I would sit in the courtyard and think, “what do I feel like smoking next?”

The highlights of my day each day were meal times, there was nothing else to do in there, so I would stuff myself silly at meal times. I’d start the day with two helpings of the hot breakfast followed by four bowls of cereal. At lunch and dinner times I would eat two servings of the hot meals again and about four sandwiches. I put on quite a bit of weight in the hospital, but there was just nothing else that brought any pleasure to me in there, apart from smoking of course, and having ridiculously long showers several times a day knowing that the hot water wouldn’t run out. The highlight of my week each week was the music videos on the weekend mornings, Britney Spears was in the charts for ‘My Prerogative’ at the time, and every week when that video came on the TV my heart would flutter and I’d dream of the time when I would be with her.

At my first magistrate hearing, the doctor was telling the magistrate reasons why he should keep me in there, I was laughing and saying “go ahead, keep me as long as you want, I’ve got free food, free accommodation, I don’t give a shit!” That feeling didn’t last.

They had me on my old drug, Seroquel. Before being in the hospital I used to take 300mg at night, but between the time that I took it and the time that I got to sleep I would get really paranoid and depressed. The paranoia and depression could be pretty intense at times, but it didn’t last because that stuff would knock me right out, apparently that drug is often used as a date rape drug, it’s pretty sedating stuff, so I would tolerate it knowing that soon I would be asleep.

In the hospital they started me on a low dosage, but they just kept increasing it every day. By the end they had me on the maximum dosage, 1000mg at night and 500mg in the morning. It was horrible, it was psychological torture. Not only was the dosage huge at night, but in the morning, after I’d just woken up and can’t get straight back to sleep, they were giving me 500mg of the shit and forcing me to stay awake through the intense paranoia and depression. Every day when I went to get my medication I would beg them

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